for those of you who missed it

Did you know that you know someone famous...well, who was recently on tv? Yep, Kristen's story about Vonage aired on Colorado 2 News a week ago Thursday.

You can read the article and view the clip here.

snape

Okay world, consider this my Harry Potter coming out post. Not that it's a big secret to the readers of this blog...

Kristen and I recently went to see Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. It was great! The reviews from respected critics were mixed, and most said that there was way to much build for such a little and short payoff. I disagree, but then I'm a Potter fan.

In preparation for the movie, Kristen reread book 6. This led to a discussion about whether Severus Snape is basically good or bad. I argue that he's more good than bad. Kristen isn't so sure, but I think she leans my way. Our friend Rebecca seemed repulsed at the idea that Snape could be anything other than the epitome of evil. The girls argued about this for a little while. The debate was passionate, the opponents adamant. Rebecca's husband Evan thinks we're all big geeks. And maybe we are, but we are not alone.

I just happened into this MSN article about this very topic. It doesn't really say anything terribly innovative, but it lends some credibility to our discussion. So Rebecca, check it out and see that we're not alone in our stance. And Evan, read the article and know that even if we're all big dorks, at least you know that there are bigger ones out there. Oh, and if this article isn't enough, I'll tell you about the whole IT department at Wordbank quizzing me about the movie and asking how many copies of the book I pre-ordered.

ouchie

This is one of the most horrific, terrifying and generally fascinating pictures I've ever seen.


Well dude, you get what you get when you run with the bulls. Brilliant.

is this a title?

CCC just posted that Blogger no longer accepts titles. This is my test.

father's day

I had a great Father's Day--my first official. It was comforting to realize that even though I now have a child of my own, and therefore don't have to feel silly for standing in church to receive the Father's Day treat, nothing else is different. I don't mean at home. Lots was different at home. Kristen made me breakfast in bed, took care of the baby, gave me presents and a card and just generally made it feel like a special day. That was wonderful. The part that doesn't change happens outside the house.

It is a well-known fact to members of the church that on Mother's Day there are sentimental talks about the sacredness of motherhood and personal stories of the speaker's own mom. The primary children will file up to the front and serenade their moms with an emotional rendition of Mother, I Love You. All women who are 18 years or older will then receive some kind of thoughtful gift; a flower, book or treat of some description.

It is also well known that on Father's Day, the congregation can expect a service devoted to Fatherhood. It usually takes a different tone however. This year did not disappoint.

The main message of the meeting was that the men in the chapel ought to straighten up and fly right. No kudos for a job well done. No heartwarming stories about dads-gone-by. Just an implicit reprimand, backed up by scripture. I admit that the speaker got misty when speaking of her own father. She choked back a lump in her throat as she told us that her dad never said 'I love you' and never went to a single one of her basketball games. Aww, so sweet.

At long last her talk was over and the children were ushered forward to sing. At least the kids will convey a loving message about their dad's who are sitting within spitting distance, right? Wrong. Instead they sang I Am a Child of God. So, on Father's Day they sang a song about how they have a better dad in Heaven...great. It may have been better to just be spit on.

There was redeeming value in the meeting though. We got cookies.

guest room relegation

Kristen's having a board meeting downstairs with all leaders in the Founders Ward Young Women's Organization. That means that every chair in our house is crammed down into our tiny kitchen. And that means that I'm confined* to the upstairs rooms...without any chairs.

So here I am, kneeling on the floor of the guest room, typing this. Is that dedication or what?

*Kristen told me that I could watch TV downstairs, but somehow I'd feel like a real jerk watching reruns of Friends 10 feet away from the council gathered around my dining table.

a family-friendly game

My baby girl has developed a new game, the rules of which I'm just beginning to understand. It's something we play when I feed her solids. Her mom plays too, but she gets more practice than I do and is much better.

OBJECT
The object of the game is to shovel tiny spoonfuls of pureed food into Emma's mouth as quickly and methodically as possible.

Once you get the right rhythm down, it goes pretty smoothly--Get the food, wipe the spoon, move to mouth, feed. Get the food, wipe the spoon, move to mouth, feed. It helps to repeat this mantra while acting it out.

RULES
If you cannot keep this pace, or if the food is too coarse, or there's too much carrot and not enough apple sauce or if Emma gets distracted by the window then the second round of the game starts--defence.

For every cycle that is off, she sticks two fingers from her right hand into her mouth. When this occurs, the other player is blocked from completing the cycle and must return to the start position of 'get the food.'

OPTIONAL VARIANT
The block may be followed by a typically short, but sometimes lengthy wail directly preceding the 'feed' part of the cycle.

END
The game ends when:
(a) all food has moved from the bowl into the baby's mouth, onto her bib/clothing/face, or onto the floor.
(b) the baby's arm is reflexively drawn into her mouth repeatedly until feeding is no longer possible and fingers are only partially removed for crying.

WARNING
Should scenario (b) occur, please consult the nearest Mother, as she is better equipped to restart and successfully complete the game.

a fish called emma

On a recent vacation to the great state of Utah, I discovered something about my daughter--she's a fish. I arrived at this controversial conclusion after analysing her behavior patterns as they relate to swimming and eating, and by noting other characteristics that are irrefutably fishy.


As you can see in the image (photo courtesy of Cindy Alley and Verizon Wireless), Emma exhibits classic fish-like behavior. She is disturbed by the blinding heat ray drying the moisture off of her. And she LOVES the water. While other children were crying and otherwise being irritating to all patrons of the historic Bountiful bubble, she was serene and comfortable drifting in the current. Kristen took turns with Emma's cousins wading with her through the lazy river for about 40 minutes. She was happy as she could be to feel the temperate water ebb and flow around her.

What other evidence do I have of her being a fish, you ask? Well, there's eating. While on vacation she started eating solid food. Having watched Kristen work to satiate the hunger of a girl possessed--excitedly screaching and flailing with enthusiasm for food--and having fed her a few times myself, I'm confident that Emma would eat herself to death, if allowed, just like a fish. (Were there enough commas in that last sentence?) Seriously, this girl can put it away. Feeding her would not be nearly so much work if she wouldn't grab hold of the spoon and jam it into the back of her throat with all the force her tiny arms can muster.

Speaking of baby spoons, what an amazing idea! The end of the spoon, the part that goes in your mouth, is insulated in rubber. This rubber end serves two purposes. Not only is it safe for just such a circumstance as I described above, but it is a useful squeegee to get food off of kids' faces. Why don't they make these for adults? We have adult diapers, and I think it's high time we had insulated adult spoons too.

Anyway, by the time Emma is finished with her double portion of rice cereal she looks like she's about to pop. Honestly, her stomach is completely distended. Fortunately she's a 5 month old baby, and big ol' bellies are cute at that age. It still looks painful though. If I looked like that after a meal I'd have to lay down for two or three days until I could sweat it off. She, on the other hand, seems disappointed that there's no more. She'd definitely eat herself to death.

The final point that I'd like to make in my assertion that my baby is a fish is this, she is very slippery when wet. I have experienced this first hand when bathing her...and nearly dropping her 4 feet to the tile floor. She gets all squirmy and slimy from the soap and water. Have you ever tried to catch a fish with your bare hands? It's exactly the same thing. Now I know what you're thinking. So what! Pigs are slippery when they are all wet and soapy too. But think of my other support. That's right, more support that she's a fish. Besides, look at this picture and tell me she's a pig, I dare you.

i am the walrus

...and by walrus, I mean outsourced worker in a third-world country. This is the impression I get, anyway, when speaking with my British counterparts at work. We've had a manager imported from London to help set up the office in Denver. While this person is lovely and polite in every way, he has a habit of saying things like, "Everything here is dirt cheap!" He is ecstatic when he's able to go out to dinner for under $50. He carries bills around like Monopoly money. Apparently things are so cheap in America that Brits will fly to NYC for the weekend to do their Christmas shopping! Even with the price of airfare and lodging it's less expensive than just buying gifts in London.

One of the big-wigs was here not long ago. He callously declared that he won't be hiring people in the UK anymore because he can get two of us for the price of one of them. Excuse me? Did I hear you say you're giving me a freaking huge raise? It's worthless green paper to you anyway, right?

As an IT team we are constantly evaluating what can be sent to our counterparts in the Philippines because they work for so little. I'm beginning to understand that I am only the next rung up from the bottom of a very tall ladder.

What's happened to the economic leader of the free world? Our dollar is practically worthless next to euros, pounds, and soon even the Chinese yuan. Who are we to make economic sanctions against Iran and North Korea? They should feel about as threatened by us as we would by Mexico closing its borders. How motivating would that be!?! Oh we're really sorry, Mexico. We'll stop our uranium enrichment; just please don't cut us off from the amazing chewing gum and Tijuana blankets we've come to depend on. Come on. The so called axis of evil should be much more afraid that England or Germany might cut them off than America.

I've been listening to my coworker flippantly comment on the hard truth about the value of the American dollar for some time now. I'm finally coming to terms with it, and I think I'm okay with it. I just have to keep reminding myself that if England or any other country gets too far ahead of us economically and doesn't want to ally anymore, we'll just declare war on them. Or worse yet, we'll rename their foods to something beginning with "freedom." Blood pudding sounds pretty gross, but I could definitely go for some freedom pudding with my freedom fries.

boldness for boldness

The History

In the past, my wife and I have been what some would call push-overs. Overwhelmed by a sense of social responsibility, Christian kindness and common courtesy we would often take 'the high road' and allow others to take advantage of us. This advantage-taking happened in several ways. Someone might have pushed us into doing something we didn't want to do. We may have allowed someone to go on and on when we didn't have time for a lengthy conversation. We may even have permitted others to take money we didn't really have just to avoid a conflict.

Well, that's all history now. Some time ago, we realized that allowing someone to take advantage of us was a disservice to both them and us. That's when we developed the idea outlined below.

The Theory

To ensure equitable and effective communication it is necessary for each party to speak with an equal degree of boldness. Oftentimes, one party (A, for our purposes) will exhibit greater submissiveness, humility, weakness, quiet, contentedness or exhaustion. In these cases, A must alter his/her boldness to match the other (B). Following this pattern will result in less confusion between A and B, and both will be more satisfied with the end result.

The Application

Allow me to provide a few illustrations.

1. A salesperson calls in the middle of dinner because he knows that's when he'll find us at home. We don't know this person. We don't care what he's selling--or worse, we know what he's selling and we are decidedly not interested. This telemarketer is particularly good at his job though. He knows that if he only takes breaths in the middle of a sentence, rather than at the end like a normal person, he is much less likely to be interrupted by the victim on the other end.

In times past, we would listen patiently, then angrily as he finished his 3 minute pitch. Then we would politely say, "No thank you. We're not interested." At that point, the salesperson knows he can dive into his second bit and we'll listen like the suckers we are.

Now, we understand that he understands that he is being amazingly bold, if not downright rude, by calling during our coveted time together. He is also bold to speak in a way that does not invite discussion, but steamrolls us instead. Applying our theory, we are obligated to cut him off (probably mid-sentence as it's really the only time to get a word in) and tell him we're not interested and to stop calling; then promptly hang up.

It can work the other way around too. Sometimes people are very meek as they approach or otherwise communicate with us. Their boldness level is much lower than his in the previous example.

2. *A friend calls us up and asks somewhat sheepishly whether we are willing to babysit her beautiful, little girl for a couple hours so that she can go to a movie with her husband. Obviously this person respects our time and is a little embarrassed to be asking this huge favor of us. We match her boldness by returning genuine kindness and, if possible, by accepting.

This circumstance is sadly rarer than the first. Our friends are great--this isn't about that. It's just a fact of life that a given person talks to many more strange jerks hefting their boldness around than friends whom they understand and who understand them.

3. A kid on the street, pretending to be homeless, but who is obviously trying to scrounge money to buy some pot and get back to Boulder stops my pregnant wife to ask her for money.

In times past, I would have politely said, "Sorry, man. We just don't have any cash."

Now, I would unflinchingly grab him by his dreadlocks and repeatedly pull his face into my balled, hardened fist. Wait, is that too bold?...No way!

Actually, I was quite proud of Kristen. She just threw her hands up in the air and gave the guy a look like, "Are you that retarded? Are you really stopping a pregnant woman in your smoke to try and bum a quarter? Get lost!"

The Summary

After painful reflection, Kristen and I realized that when someone bullied us in conversation or otherwise 'forced' us to acquiesce, it was actually our fault--we were the guilty ones. Those irritating people probably don't even know they're irritating. They just figure nobody around them has any kind of opinion. It is our obligation to instruct people how they must interact with us. However, when strangers exhibit outstanding boldness, it is typically futile to try and instruct them.

"Okay, what did you say your name was? Okay, Bill. If we are going to have a real discussion about whether I want a time-share in Costa Rica you're going to have to breathe a little more between sentences."

Ya, that'll work. No, it is much more effective to just speak to his level. Unfortunately, it's an uncomfortable place for us to be a lot of the time because of afore-mentioned qualities and principles. I must say though, I get more comfortable with it all the time.


*Yes, Adamses. This is a backward representation of our conversation earlier.