boldness for boldness

The History

In the past, my wife and I have been what some would call push-overs. Overwhelmed by a sense of social responsibility, Christian kindness and common courtesy we would often take 'the high road' and allow others to take advantage of us. This advantage-taking happened in several ways. Someone might have pushed us into doing something we didn't want to do. We may have allowed someone to go on and on when we didn't have time for a lengthy conversation. We may even have permitted others to take money we didn't really have just to avoid a conflict.

Well, that's all history now. Some time ago, we realized that allowing someone to take advantage of us was a disservice to both them and us. That's when we developed the idea outlined below.

The Theory

To ensure equitable and effective communication it is necessary for each party to speak with an equal degree of boldness. Oftentimes, one party (A, for our purposes) will exhibit greater submissiveness, humility, weakness, quiet, contentedness or exhaustion. In these cases, A must alter his/her boldness to match the other (B). Following this pattern will result in less confusion between A and B, and both will be more satisfied with the end result.

The Application

Allow me to provide a few illustrations.

1. A salesperson calls in the middle of dinner because he knows that's when he'll find us at home. We don't know this person. We don't care what he's selling--or worse, we know what he's selling and we are decidedly not interested. This telemarketer is particularly good at his job though. He knows that if he only takes breaths in the middle of a sentence, rather than at the end like a normal person, he is much less likely to be interrupted by the victim on the other end.

In times past, we would listen patiently, then angrily as he finished his 3 minute pitch. Then we would politely say, "No thank you. We're not interested." At that point, the salesperson knows he can dive into his second bit and we'll listen like the suckers we are.

Now, we understand that he understands that he is being amazingly bold, if not downright rude, by calling during our coveted time together. He is also bold to speak in a way that does not invite discussion, but steamrolls us instead. Applying our theory, we are obligated to cut him off (probably mid-sentence as it's really the only time to get a word in) and tell him we're not interested and to stop calling; then promptly hang up.

It can work the other way around too. Sometimes people are very meek as they approach or otherwise communicate with us. Their boldness level is much lower than his in the previous example.

2. *A friend calls us up and asks somewhat sheepishly whether we are willing to babysit her beautiful, little girl for a couple hours so that she can go to a movie with her husband. Obviously this person respects our time and is a little embarrassed to be asking this huge favor of us. We match her boldness by returning genuine kindness and, if possible, by accepting.

This circumstance is sadly rarer than the first. Our friends are great--this isn't about that. It's just a fact of life that a given person talks to many more strange jerks hefting their boldness around than friends whom they understand and who understand them.

3. A kid on the street, pretending to be homeless, but who is obviously trying to scrounge money to buy some pot and get back to Boulder stops my pregnant wife to ask her for money.

In times past, I would have politely said, "Sorry, man. We just don't have any cash."

Now, I would unflinchingly grab him by his dreadlocks and repeatedly pull his face into my balled, hardened fist. Wait, is that too bold?...No way!

Actually, I was quite proud of Kristen. She just threw her hands up in the air and gave the guy a look like, "Are you that retarded? Are you really stopping a pregnant woman in your smoke to try and bum a quarter? Get lost!"

The Summary

After painful reflection, Kristen and I realized that when someone bullied us in conversation or otherwise 'forced' us to acquiesce, it was actually our fault--we were the guilty ones. Those irritating people probably don't even know they're irritating. They just figure nobody around them has any kind of opinion. It is our obligation to instruct people how they must interact with us. However, when strangers exhibit outstanding boldness, it is typically futile to try and instruct them.

"Okay, what did you say your name was? Okay, Bill. If we are going to have a real discussion about whether I want a time-share in Costa Rica you're going to have to breathe a little more between sentences."

Ya, that'll work. No, it is much more effective to just speak to his level. Unfortunately, it's an uncomfortable place for us to be a lot of the time because of afore-mentioned qualities and principles. I must say though, I get more comfortable with it all the time.


*Yes, Adamses. This is a backward representation of our conversation earlier.