a typical (atypical) conversation

Not long ago I was recruited to a localization company called Wordbank. They said that they took interest in me due to my linguistics degree and foreign experience. My first thought, "Wow, my linguistics degree wasn't a big waste of time." In my naivete, I believed that they valued my knowledge for the contribution I could make on various international projects. In reality, it had nothing to do with our processes. They knew that it would take all of my ability to just comprehend my British counterparts in the office. Here is a sample conversation:

me: (walking in first thing in the morning) Good morning, Simon.
Simon: (in a thick accent--think Eliza Doolittle before the refinement) Hey, Darron. How're you doing? You a'right?
me: Alright. How are you?
Simon: Not too bad. Not too bad. (always repeated twice)
Suddenly Simon looks up from his computer screen.
Simon: Are you okay, you look knackered.
me: What? Sorry I was kind of spacing out.
Simon: Had a bit of a late one with the biffer, did you? Up all night changing nappies?
me: No, it's just so cold out there that I think my brain is frozen.
Simon: Ya, It's not exactly cozzie weather, is it? You've got a jumper on, have you?
me: No, I forgot all of my warm clothes in my other car.
Simon: You're takin' a piss!
me: Yes, yes I am.

If you want to have a better chance of understanding this little convo, check out the glossary below:

Brito-Yank Glossary
knackered	tired
biffer	fatty (what Simon likes to call my baby)
nappies	diapers
cozzie	swim suit
jumper	sweatshirt
You're takin' a piss!	You're kidding!

quote of the day

No sooner does man discover his own intelligence than he tries to involve it in his own stupidity.

Jacques Yves Cousteau

get sag'd

Last night, I somehow got sucked into watching the SAG awards. I was embarrassed for the participants as they got up repeatedly to congratulate themselves for being part of such a meaningful industry and doing such important work. Come on, you're actors--people who never stop playing make believe.

I think that part of the reason I despise them so is because I secretly admire them. When it comes to it I wish that I could dress up in cool costumes and go to magical places like Neverland, Middle Earth, and Fargo. I must concede that I have at least a morbid fascination with the Hollywood crowd. Deep down I want them to give and receive awards and declare their importance to the world at large so that I can justify my need to know why Brad really left Jen, or how Jack Nicholson has sat courtside at every single Lakers game for the past 20 years, or about Lindsay Lohan's most recent dance-off.

And so I forgive their self-congratulations. I'm willing to tolerate Jeremy Irons' dull speech about how great he is, and Julie Andrews' dissertation about the importance of her literacy, and William Shatner's existence. What I can't forgive--what I won't forgive--is the snubbing of Mark-Paul Gosselaar. Talk about a great actor! Have you seen this guy's list of accomplishments? He's been acting for over 20 years and been in everything from Charles in Charge to The Twilight Zone to some made for TV movie, the name of which I can't remember (and neither can anyone else). But who cares? He was the legendary Zach Morris from Saved By The Bell. Does he need to do anything more?

Alright, maybe he does. How about this: He has appeared in both Highway to Heaven and Punky Brewster. During his long stint (from prepubescence to a thirty-somthing) as Zach Morris he continued making other films and guest appearances on other sit-coms. After a brief disappearance from the screen he reappeared as Det. John Clark, Jr. on NYPD Blue. Need I say more?

Zack Mark-Paul is so deserving of next year's nomination for the lifetime achievement award that I'm considering getting SAG'd myself just so I can vote. And I encourage all within the sound of my voice to do the same.

United States of Willy Wonka

America is called many things by many people--big brother, world power, power monger, land of the free, and home of the brave, axis of evil (wait, that's not us). Call her what you may, at least she is fair.

There has been much controversy lately over border control, what with recent deportations, plans to build fences and all. There are immigrants and immigrant advocates all over shaking their fists and litigating for rights to the "pursuit of happiness." There are an estimated "11 million undocumented immigrants living in the United States, and more arrive each day... (http://www.npr.org)" There are lots of possible solutions to this problem, if it is indeed a problem that needs resolving. Personally, I'm all for people coming into the country, as long as it's legal. And that brings me to the topic at hand.

Under the recently revealed Western Hemisphere Travel Initiative (WHTI), beginning this past Tuesday, January 23, 2007, all people crossing borders into the United States will be required to provide the proper documentation. As early as January of next year, that documentation will be a valid passport. This includes US citizens. That's coming from "Canada, Mexico, Central and South America, the Caribbean, and Bermuda (http://travel.state.gov)", all destinations from which we've enjoyed free passage before.

What does this mean to US citizens? Hassle.

What does this mean to US and neighboring economies? To be seen, but plausible negative repercussions, at least for airlines and others in the travel industry.

What does this mean to taxpayers? Expect more taxes to fund these efforts.

What does this mean to me? The approach to border control is harsh, but fair. Nobody, legal and illegal alike, will be welcomed into this chocolate factory without that golden ticket.

isn't she lovely

Today is our 4th wedding anniversary.

Isn't she cute?

Who's the lucky schmuck in the picture with her?

Happy Anniversary, love.

my bout with usps

USPS has no official motto, but you'll find the following sentence engraved on the facade of many of our older, more established post office buildings on the east coast:

Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds.


I also seem to remember it being part of an advertising campaign back in the early '90s.

Well, it's just untrue.

During one of our recent CO state-emergency-worthy-storms we got something like 30 inches of snow fall. Beautiful though it was, it brought with it many--shall we say--interesting developments? Or should we just call them what they are? Problems.

The rant:

• It took me five and a half hours to get home from work the first day it snowed. Usually it's about an hour.
• Shoveling my driveway was like lifting a soaking wet fat kid off of the ground with a stick and hurling him over the fence, repeated eight zillion times. With every shovel-full of snow I heaved from the driveway over the white wall now standing in place of my yard I felt my spine tighten and my life shorten.
• My Civic was buried in the snow on the side of the road so long that the check engine light has come on. The car got a tune up one month prior to the storm. $178 well spent.
  
• I wasn't able to go to work for days--yeah! I had to work longer hours from home instead--boo!
• The mail carrier threatened to stop delivering mail if I did't create a path from the middle of the road to my mailbox.

What's that about!?! I remember the '90s ads. I'm not ignorant of the unofficial mailman's motto. As a young boy I grew to trust the noble men and women who deliver the mail, and now the Castle Rock postmaster is marring that image and destroying my confidence in all that is right and holy. Further, does she have any idea how long it will take to shovel the ice and snow from the middle of the street, 10 feet in to my mailbox? Three feet of snow, plus plowing it to the side of the road makes for one stinking huge pile of snow. Why can't the carrier use the sidewalk anyway? It's not like I'm asking her to walk barefoot over hot coals. Just get out of your car for two seconds.

So I called the postmaster.

PM: Hello, United States Postal Service of Castle Rock, how may I help you?
me: You can get your shovel and come over.
PM: Excuse me?
me: The mail carrier left a note in my box saying that if I did not clear a path from the street to the mailbox she'd stop delivery in three days.
PM: Yes, that's right. According to section IV of article B-8 the post office is not required to deliver mail to obstructed boxes.
me: It's not my fault it snowed and our lousy city doesn't plow the streets better.
PM: It's just the code, sir.
me: I don't own the street. For that matter, I don't even own the strip of grass between my yard and the street. How is it my responsibility to ensure you can do your job?
PM: Is there anything else I can do for you today?
me: I pay my taxes and I want my mail!
PM: ...
me: Hello?

I shoveled the stupid path.

age old question

If a blog falls in the woods and nobody's there to hear it, does it make a sound?

Yes, I'm talking about my blog. I'm going to have to send out a super-glossy ad to get people to logon and check it out.

I should make mention of the one reader I do have though. Tabo, you're the greatest fan I have. Thanks for reading.

scam alert

I'm not normally one to raise the alarm about scandals and scams, but I feel I owe it to my many readers out there to pass this one along.

The other day I walked into our local Home Depot when a man in an orange apron approached me asking if I wanted decking. Don't worry though, I saw it coming, and I got the first punch in.

Consider yourself warned.
credit: Jason Kinsey

save our wilderness from the wild life

It's that time of year again--when the beautiful mountains on which Olympians have tested the limits of their skills are filled with Hollywood's finest and brightest--time for the Sundance Film Festival.

This year we are promised the sleeper, Hounddog. It is supposed to be the Little Miss Sunshine of 2007. Nobody knows what this independent film is about. Nobody cares. All we know is the buzz that continues to circulate like a wildfire over the CA hills. This movie features the rape of 12 year old Dakota Fanning.

Now who wants to see that!?! Why must we subject ourselves to viewing this, the worst of nightmares, on the big screen? Is this what the public wants? Has our society degenerated to such an abysmal level? Or is shock value the only value remaining in Hollywood?

Whatever the case, I want no part in it. I wish they'd keep middle America out of their mess. Don't get me wrong; indy films are great, but don't film the violation of a sweet, innocent girl and try to pass it off as art. Shame on them.

tall girl

Whoa, those are the biggest feet I've ever seen!

These are the first words I heard from the infant care nurse after my baby's arrival. Okay, not the very first, but they are the first words I can remember after recovering from the shock of what I'd just witnessed.

Yep, we're going to have one very tall girl. Here are the reasons why tall girls rule:

1. They can eat like pigs and it doesn't affect them the way it does short girls.
2. They'll make more money than their short friends.
   (see The Measure of Success on msn)
3. They are smarter than their short friends.
   (again... The Measure of Success on msn)
4. They are taller than their short friends.

There you have it.