The History
In the past, my wife and I have been what some would call push-overs. Overwhelmed by a sense of social responsibility, Christian kindness and common courtesy we would often take 'the high road' and allow others to take advantage of us. This advantage-taking happened in several ways. Someone might have pushed us into doing something we didn't want to do. We may have allowed someone to go on and on when we didn't have time for a lengthy conversation. We may even have permitted others to take money we didn't really have just to avoid a conflict.
Well, that's all history now. Some time ago, we realized that allowing someone to take advantage of us was a disservice to both them and us. That's when we developed the idea outlined below.
The Theory
To ensure equitable and effective communication it is necessary for each party to speak with an equal degree of boldness. Oftentimes, one party (A, for our purposes) will exhibit greater submissiveness, humility, weakness, quiet, contentedness or exhaustion. In these cases, A must alter his/her boldness to match the other (B). Following this pattern will result in less confusion between A and B, and both will be more satisfied with the end result.
The Application
Allow me to provide a few illustrations.
1. A salesperson calls in the middle of dinner because he knows that's when he'll find us at home. We don't know this person. We don't care what he's selling--or worse, we know what he's selling and we are decidedly not interested. This telemarketer is particularly good at his job though. He knows that if he only takes breaths in the middle of a sentence, rather than at the end like a normal person, he is much less likely to be interrupted by the victim on the other end.
In times past, we would listen patiently, then angrily as he finished his 3 minute pitch. Then we would politely say, "No thank you. We're not interested." At that point, the salesperson knows he can dive into his second bit and we'll listen like the suckers we are.
Now, we understand that he understands that he is being amazingly bold, if not downright rude, by calling during our coveted time together. He is also bold to speak in a way that does not invite discussion, but steamrolls us instead. Applying our theory, we are obligated to cut him off (probably mid-sentence as it's really the only time to get a word in) and tell him we're not interested and to stop calling; then promptly hang up.
It can work the other way around too. Sometimes people are very meek as they approach or otherwise communicate with us. Their boldness level is much lower than his in the previous example.
2. *A friend calls us up and asks somewhat sheepishly whether we are willing to babysit her beautiful, little girl for a couple hours so that she can go to a movie with her husband. Obviously this person respects our time and is a little embarrassed to be asking this huge favor of us. We match her boldness by returning genuine kindness and, if possible, by accepting.
This circumstance is sadly rarer than the first. Our friends are great--this isn't about that. It's just a fact of life that a given person talks to many more strange jerks hefting their boldness around than friends whom they understand and who understand them.
3. A kid on the street, pretending to be homeless, but who is obviously trying to scrounge money to buy some pot and get back to Boulder stops my pregnant wife to ask her for money.
In times past, I would have politely said, "Sorry, man. We just don't have any cash."
Now, I would unflinchingly grab him by his dreadlocks and repeatedly pull his face into my balled, hardened fist. Wait, is that too bold?...No way!
Actually, I was quite proud of Kristen. She just threw her hands up in the air and gave the guy a look like, "Are you that retarded? Are you really stopping a pregnant woman in your smoke to try and bum a quarter? Get lost!"
The Summary
After painful reflection, Kristen and I realized that when someone bullied us in conversation or otherwise 'forced' us to acquiesce, it was actually our fault--we were the guilty ones. Those irritating people probably don't even know they're irritating. They just figure nobody around them has any kind of opinion. It is our obligation to instruct people how they must interact with us. However, when strangers exhibit outstanding boldness, it is typically futile to try and instruct them.
"Okay, what did you say your name was? Okay, Bill. If we are going to have a real discussion about whether I want a time-share in Costa Rica you're going to have to breathe a little more between sentences."
Ya, that'll work. No, it is much more effective to just speak to his level. Unfortunately, it's an uncomfortable place for us to be a lot of the time because of afore-mentioned qualities and principles. I must say though, I get more comfortable with it all the time.
*Yes, Adamses. This is a backward representation of our conversation earlier.
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Thursday, March 08, 2007
more vegetables, please
Big tobacco has been taking it in the shorts for a long time over the moral debate about whether it's ethical to chemically enhance the effectiveness of the nicotine drug to create an addiction in their consumers and ultimately contribute to the unhealthiness of Americans. There have been legislation and litigation which have cost the stake holders and tax payers billions over the years. That's not to mention the lives ruined by cancer and more direct death threats. How can I substantiate these arguments? Two words--The Insider. Great flick, and very informative. Also, this Google search proved quite useful.
I think there is something to learn from this whole dilemma. Big business should not be allowed to purposefully cause their consumers to become addicted to harmful substances. Harmful substances. So I propose something radical. Let's use the same principles we've been battling against to do something good. Let's use these potent drugs (i.e. nicotine, cocaine) to push something everyone needs and no one wants--lima beans.
I'm not sure exactly how to work out the logistics of it, but I think it would involve growing our little lima-green friends in caffeinated water along with a wicked marketing campaign that is sure to cost millions in advertising dollars. But that money would be recouped quickly once the craze began. And here's the best part. We'd follow the example of our cigarette forbears and wouldn't tell anyone that we're adding addictive substances until after we've all lied about it before a grand jury. Then we'd all sit back and have a good laugh about how 10 years ago nobody would have touched a lima bean with a ten-foot pole, but now we all keep a spare can in the trunk of the car just in case we need a quick fix.
If all it took was a little nicotine to convince the masses that inhaling burning tobacco is something they can't live without, just think of the food we could manipulate our children into eating using the same business plan. Cocaine-laced okra sound tempting to anyone? Maybe not now, but it will.
I think there is something to learn from this whole dilemma. Big business should not be allowed to purposefully cause their consumers to become addicted to harmful substances. Harmful substances. So I propose something radical. Let's use the same principles we've been battling against to do something good. Let's use these potent drugs (i.e. nicotine, cocaine) to push something everyone needs and no one wants--lima beans.
I'm not sure exactly how to work out the logistics of it, but I think it would involve growing our little lima-green friends in caffeinated water along with a wicked marketing campaign that is sure to cost millions in advertising dollars. But that money would be recouped quickly once the craze began. And here's the best part. We'd follow the example of our cigarette forbears and wouldn't tell anyone that we're adding addictive substances until after we've all lied about it before a grand jury. Then we'd all sit back and have a good laugh about how 10 years ago nobody would have touched a lima bean with a ten-foot pole, but now we all keep a spare can in the trunk of the car just in case we need a quick fix.
If all it took was a little nicotine to convince the masses that inhaling burning tobacco is something they can't live without, just think of the food we could manipulate our children into eating using the same business plan. Cocaine-laced okra sound tempting to anyone? Maybe not now, but it will.
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
recompense
I recently posted a slanted article which obviously singled out Al Gore as a hypocrite and idiot. It also obviously upset my entire fan base. So...here is a letter which I found quite funny and somewhat disturbing, and I hope it will be accepted in the spirit by which it is given. True bipartisanship? No, non-partisanship.
John Cleese's Letter to America
To the citizens of the United States of America
In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy), as from Monday next.
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide.
You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."
3. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't cope with correct pronunciation.
4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
5.There is no such thing as " US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."
6. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).
7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England . It will be called "Come-Uppance Day."
8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling "gasoline") - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.
14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
17. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind of proper football; you call it "soccer". Those of you brave enough will, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due backdated to 1776.
Thank you for your co-operation.
John Cleese
John Cleese's Letter to AmericaTo the citizens of the United States of America
In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy), as from Monday next.
Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide.
You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise."
3. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't cope with correct pronunciation.
4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
5.There is no such thing as " US English." We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize."
6. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).
7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England . It will be called "Come-Uppance Day."
8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling "gasoline") - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.
14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
17. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind of proper football; you call it "soccer". Those of you brave enough will, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due backdated to 1776.
Thank you for your co-operation.
John Cleese
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