a fish called emma

On a recent vacation to the great state of Utah, I discovered something about my daughter--she's a fish. I arrived at this controversial conclusion after analysing her behavior patterns as they relate to swimming and eating, and by noting other characteristics that are irrefutably fishy.


As you can see in the image (photo courtesy of Cindy Alley and Verizon Wireless), Emma exhibits classic fish-like behavior. She is disturbed by the blinding heat ray drying the moisture off of her. And she LOVES the water. While other children were crying and otherwise being irritating to all patrons of the historic Bountiful bubble, she was serene and comfortable drifting in the current. Kristen took turns with Emma's cousins wading with her through the lazy river for about 40 minutes. She was happy as she could be to feel the temperate water ebb and flow around her.

What other evidence do I have of her being a fish, you ask? Well, there's eating. While on vacation she started eating solid food. Having watched Kristen work to satiate the hunger of a girl possessed--excitedly screaching and flailing with enthusiasm for food--and having fed her a few times myself, I'm confident that Emma would eat herself to death, if allowed, just like a fish. (Were there enough commas in that last sentence?) Seriously, this girl can put it away. Feeding her would not be nearly so much work if she wouldn't grab hold of the spoon and jam it into the back of her throat with all the force her tiny arms can muster.

Speaking of baby spoons, what an amazing idea! The end of the spoon, the part that goes in your mouth, is insulated in rubber. This rubber end serves two purposes. Not only is it safe for just such a circumstance as I described above, but it is a useful squeegee to get food off of kids' faces. Why don't they make these for adults? We have adult diapers, and I think it's high time we had insulated adult spoons too.

Anyway, by the time Emma is finished with her double portion of rice cereal she looks like she's about to pop. Honestly, her stomach is completely distended. Fortunately she's a 5 month old baby, and big ol' bellies are cute at that age. It still looks painful though. If I looked like that after a meal I'd have to lay down for two or three days until I could sweat it off. She, on the other hand, seems disappointed that there's no more. She'd definitely eat herself to death.

The final point that I'd like to make in my assertion that my baby is a fish is this, she is very slippery when wet. I have experienced this first hand when bathing her...and nearly dropping her 4 feet to the tile floor. She gets all squirmy and slimy from the soap and water. Have you ever tried to catch a fish with your bare hands? It's exactly the same thing. Now I know what you're thinking. So what! Pigs are slippery when they are all wet and soapy too. But think of my other support. That's right, more support that she's a fish. Besides, look at this picture and tell me she's a pig, I dare you.

i am the walrus

...and by walrus, I mean outsourced worker in a third-world country. This is the impression I get, anyway, when speaking with my British counterparts at work. We've had a manager imported from London to help set up the office in Denver. While this person is lovely and polite in every way, he has a habit of saying things like, "Everything here is dirt cheap!" He is ecstatic when he's able to go out to dinner for under $50. He carries bills around like Monopoly money. Apparently things are so cheap in America that Brits will fly to NYC for the weekend to do their Christmas shopping! Even with the price of airfare and lodging it's less expensive than just buying gifts in London.

One of the big-wigs was here not long ago. He callously declared that he won't be hiring people in the UK anymore because he can get two of us for the price of one of them. Excuse me? Did I hear you say you're giving me a freaking huge raise? It's worthless green paper to you anyway, right?

As an IT team we are constantly evaluating what can be sent to our counterparts in the Philippines because they work for so little. I'm beginning to understand that I am only the next rung up from the bottom of a very tall ladder.

What's happened to the economic leader of the free world? Our dollar is practically worthless next to euros, pounds, and soon even the Chinese yuan. Who are we to make economic sanctions against Iran and North Korea? They should feel about as threatened by us as we would by Mexico closing its borders. How motivating would that be!?! Oh we're really sorry, Mexico. We'll stop our uranium enrichment; just please don't cut us off from the amazing chewing gum and Tijuana blankets we've come to depend on. Come on. The so called axis of evil should be much more afraid that England or Germany might cut them off than America.

I've been listening to my coworker flippantly comment on the hard truth about the value of the American dollar for some time now. I'm finally coming to terms with it, and I think I'm okay with it. I just have to keep reminding myself that if England or any other country gets too far ahead of us economically and doesn't want to ally anymore, we'll just declare war on them. Or worse yet, we'll rename their foods to something beginning with "freedom." Blood pudding sounds pretty gross, but I could definitely go for some freedom pudding with my freedom fries.